Boozy Brigand Apprehended After Crushing Six Pack In Target Dressing Room



We’re being constantly inundated with news of destructive factors beyond our control that it calls for a break in the breaking and a shift that focuses on the avoidable destructiveness that is human behavior. Since 2010, floods have cost the United States over $40 billion. Just one among many costly disasters, natural phenomena are difficult to avoid. The only avoidable natural disasters are human beings doing ridiculous things. Very avoidable. Do humans take steps to avoid such ridiculousness? You’d be surprised. Here’s this week’s winner.

Shoplift? No, More Like Shoplit

Yeah, so in the racing world, there are short tracks, speedways, and superspeedways that range from 0.5 miles long to 2.5 miles long. However, the woman in question was involved in a different kind of race. A case race in a Target dressing room. If you’re unfamiliar with what a case race is, it’s a binge drinking challenge that pits a team against a case of beer. The object is to finish it as fast as possible (not recommended).

This woman was by herself, therefore went for an individual case race challenge. Her bout with dressing while intoxicated began with her casually entering the Target dressing room with several items of clothing in addition to a six-pack of Stella Artois. In the truest sense of the expression, perhaps she needed some liquid courage for her next feat. She reportedly spent an hour in the dressing room, finished the six-pack of beer, left the dressing room, then attempted to exit the Target without paying for about $200 in merchandise.

Burglary and property theft in the United States has been on the rise, with 110.7 victims per 1,000 households in 2015 to 118.6 in 2016. Theft from commercial businesses sees an exponential amount more than that, a fair bunch of it unanswered. Well, our brazen Stella swilling shoplifter must’ve muddled her wits in the hour it took to crush a sixer because her exit attempt was thwarted by Target security. Shortly thereafter, she was handed over to the police who found that she’d been in additional trouble with the law before her mid-afternoon happy hour.

“After consuming the six beers, Johnson exited the store without paying for any items. She had over $200 worth of items in her possession. The Target loss prevention detained her and she was later booked in the San Joaquin County Jail for shoplifting along with three additional warrants,” the Lathrop Police Department wrote on Facebook.

She’s currently being held for $60,000 bail and will be held accountable for her additional warrants. Public records indicate the three outstanding arrest warrants were for petty theft, battery, and resisting, delaying, or obstructing a peace officer.

Next time you’re thinking about drinking six beers, maybe try the pub. Oh, and pay your tab.

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